She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
