I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
