My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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