my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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