Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
