it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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