My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
