we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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