I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
