I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
