i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
