on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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