New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
