You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
