He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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