Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
