She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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