We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
