Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
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So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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