the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
