I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
