I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
