I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
