i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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