Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
