The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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