The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
