It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
