Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
