then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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