one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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