Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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