Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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