i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A+ Viking dick
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
