I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
