Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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