guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
