So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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