We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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