Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
