and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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