why didn't you poke me back
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
