My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
