"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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