I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
