I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
