I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
