drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
