He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
