God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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