i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
