Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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