Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
3 2 1 whiskey
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
