I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
