Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
