She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
