I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
