the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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