omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
